


a hundred-percent winner

by multicorn



Category: Glee
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Friendship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 23:42:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7778221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multicorn/pseuds/multicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of New Directions (and Becky) play hot potato with Sue’s baby, and Kurt and Blaine have a talk.</p>
<p>(this was written based on a teaser for the first episode of Glee s4.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	a hundred-percent winner

**Author's Note:**

> (this fic is several years old! I am moving all my old fic that I only ever posted on tumblr previously onto ao3.)

“Coach Sylvester,” said Kurt, standing awkwardly away from the bundle in her arms, “not that I don’t appreciate the opportunity, but why are you introducing me to the baby first instead of your fellow teachers or the Cheerios?”  
  
“Well, first of all, Porcelain, there’s no one in this school who can appreciate a baby just like you.  And also,” she said, rocking the baby in her arms, “you’re the kid’s uncle.  Congratulations!”  
  
Kurt took another step backwards.  “So you used Finn’s sperm?” he said disbelievingly.  
  
“Why would I do something like that?  I want this baby to be able to walk and talk at the same time when it grows older, and besides, any child of Sue Sylvester’s deserves only the best.  No, this baby here was fathered by no other than Lima’s very own free credit scores today dot com commercial singing star.”  
  
Kurt unwound his arms from around each other.  “But… Cooper’s not my brother,” he said, confused.  “Cooper is Blaine’s brother.”  
  
“Eh, brother, brother-in-law, same difference.  Besides, I didn’t feel like pulling the hobbit out of class.”  
  
Despite himself, Kurt drew closer.  “So your baby is,” he breathed, putting a hand out.  
  
“Yep.  Half-Anderson, and one hundred percent pure Sylvester.”  
  
“Can I hold it?”  
  
Sue handed the baby over.  “She.  And since you’ve got nothing better to do, why don’t you keep her occupied for a couple hours while I go yell at Figgins about that maternity leave he’s trying to insist that I take.”  
  
Kurt was too fascinated in tracing his fingers over the baby’s face to even notice her go.  
  
~  
  
“Kurt,” Blaine said when he sat down at lunch.  “You’ve got a baby.”  
  
“Yep.  It’s half-Anderson,” Kurt said, dangling a corner of the baby’s blanket in front of its eyes.  
  
“What!?”  
  
Kurt finally looked up.  “It’s Coach Sylvester’s baby, but, yeah,” he said apologetically.  “Your brother’s the ‘famous sperm donor’ she’s been telling us all about for months.  So."  He shrugged awkwardly.  "Want to hold her?”  
  
“Not… really,” said Blaine, backing away fast.  “In fact, I think I’d better go now.  There’s a phone call or two I have to make.  Maybe a song to sing.  See you later!”  
  
“Blaine!” Kurt called as he walked away.  Blaine didn’t stop, and he couldn’t follow - not like this - so he looked wildly around the table.  “Brittany.  Here,” he said, thrusting the baby at her.  “Can you give her back to Sue for me?”  
  
“Is a baby like a cat?” asked Brittany, but Kurt was already gone.  She turned to Tina instead.  “Do you think I could train her to do chores like Lord Tubbington?”  
  
Tina cracked a smile.  “Yeah.  It’s called childrearing, Britt, but it would take a while.”  
  
“Okay, I know  what do to, don’t worry about this, guys,” said Artie.  “Tina, you help Brittany look after the baby, and I’ll go find Coach Sylvester.  It shouldn’t be that hard.”  
  
He wheeled off, and at that very moment, Becky ran up to the group.  “I knew it!” she exclaimed.  “I knew you guys couldn’t handle the pressure of caring for a baby.  Losers.”  
  
“Wait, Becky,” said Tina, “were you… spying on us?”  
  
“Well, duh,” said Becky.  “And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll take the baby now.  Coach Sue is practicing her kung fu moves, and Artie was going in completely the wrong direction.”  
  
~  
  
“Blaine,” Kurt said, when he caught up to him inside the doorway.  “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I don’t want a baby, Kurt,” said Blaine.  His voice was low with emotion, and he was still fidgeting with the strap of his bag, refusing to turn around.  “Not now, not soon, maybe not ever.”  
  
“I don’t want a baby, either,” said Kurt, “and we don’t have a baby.  That baby is Coach Sylvester’s, and I was just asking if you wanted to hold her for a minute.  So what’s up?"  Blaine stood still, but Kurt came closer to him, and ran his fingers along the crook of his arm.  "Come on, turn around, look at me,” he said with a teasing smile.  
  
Blaine turned around.  “I know that baby isn’t ours,” he said.  “But you were so happy holding it, you looked like you never wanted to do anything else.”  
  
“Blaine,” Kurt said, amused, “I look like that when I’m holding a piece of cheescake, too.  It’s nothing to worry about.”  
  
“But you can’t eat a baby.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
The intensity of Blaine’s laughter startled them both, making them shake with relief and cling to each other’s arms.  “I thought I would have to kill Cooper for a minute there,” he said, smiling, and then more seriously, “but are you sure?”  
  
“Am I sure I can’t eat a baby, or am I sure I don’t want one?”  
  
They’ve dropped hands again, but Blaine touched just the tips of Kurt’s fingers.  He can’t stop himself, sometimes - he knows it’s not safe here, but he just needs to feel connected, needs to feel like he and Kurt are part of the same thing even when Kurt’s not looking at him and they might not agree on everything all the time.  “The latter.”  
  
“Well,” Kurt cleared his throat, and looked down at their fingers too.  “No, I’m not sure.  I’m young, and…. we’re both young.  I don’t want a baby now, of course, but years later?  When we’ve both got careers and we’re starting to get bored of life as a pair of childless newlyweds?"  His lips quirked the way they always did when he was dreaming of the future, and Blaine couldn’t stop staring.  "Maybe.  Who knows.  But that’s not what this is about, Blaine.  This is just a fun new person to play with, and maybe something we can tease your brother and Coach Sylvester with while we’re at it.  So come on, lighten up.  Let’s have fun!”  
  
“Okay,” said Blaine, and followed him back into the hallways of McKinley.  “Where do you think the baby is now?  And do you want to kidnap it, or provide the diversion?”


End file.
